The Maple

September 17, 2010 at 2:50 PM (Uncategorized)

This is an assignment from a friend given to me months ago – I was finally able to get somewhere. Thanks Jon ;o) Unfortunately I tried a different rhyme scheme and I just don’t know about it!

The Maple

A hearty and robust piece of maple wood,
Whose essence is seated off our stoop.
Resting directly outside the doorway,
For hundreds of years where it has always stood.

The memories and agony the foliage has observed,
Family arriving and departing – in good and bad times.
The power of life and death of loved ones,
All the while it has remained still and undisturbed.

In my short life it has cultivated along with me alone,
The maple watched me arrive on my bicycle to see grandma,
It watched me cry when I sat and mourned her passing.
It watched while we moved our belongings into our new home.

As we got older it saw crushes park under it’s umbrella of shade,
And friends knock on my bedroom window.
It saw me sit while wishing a certain person would pull in,
And it knew the hurt in my heart when I was dismayed.

The timber was a part of my first date with my husband,
It watched us as we stood under it’s shelter to talk.
The tree was the only witness to our very first kiss,
And it knew before me that I would marry that man.

Today I sit out on that porch in solitary,
Writing feverishly to get my passion back.
The words have finally begun to flow without effort,
While staring at the maple tree that will long surpass me.

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Taking the Plunge

September 14, 2010 at 2:17 AM (Uncategorized)

Taking the Plunge

Poised on the edge,
One foot suspended in the air.
In my mind I allege,
That I will not overcome the despair.

It is enticing to hang around,
Forward I plummet.
Backward I am sound,
I am excited by the threat.

I squeeze my eyes closed tight,
As my balance begins to break.
My body is filled with fright,
And my leg begins to shake.

The wind gusts violently,
Causing me to lose my grip.
Suddenly I can not see,
Over my own feet I trip.

I begin to tumble,
My heart throbbing.
My dreams crumble,
As I begin sobbing.

I fall for an aeon,
Only to land on my backside.
The ground I had come upon,
And where my foot stood coincide.

I take in a few deep pants,
And smirk at the stunning body high.
After my eyes take a quick glance,
I realize it was almost goodbye.

I casually raise my body upright,
And gently freshen my clothes.
I finally feel I am all right,
And towards home I will go.

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A Special Blog

September 13, 2010 at 3:43 PM (Uncategorized)

Yesterday I asked my two best friends to come over and talk. The main purpose was to ask them to keep an eye on me and my depression while Tom is going through his surgery and recovery. He is usually my rock but he’s going to have to worry about himself and my focus will also be on him. I’m afraid I will neglect myself, hence asking Lisa and DJ for help.

It was actually really hard to do – admit I’m going to need someone. I think it shows my healing. When things get bad, I isolate myself. I don’t go out or take phone calls. I hide in my room or the rec room and don’t even interact with my family unless it’s my nieces. I’m just too ashamed to let them know how I feel. Despite all that, I am about 50% better but I’m scared I’ll relapse – especially in the worst case scenario of Tom’s surgery.

The meeting was also actually an ulterior motive that I didn’t have the nerve to talk about. I guess I hate how much things have changed. DJ and I used to talk on the phone daily. I miss him knocking on my window if something was wrong. I feel so out of the loop – like I’m an honorary best friend who knows nothing about his current life.

And with Lisa, while we do talk more often – I miss our drives where we’d sing along to the radio and hash out our lives. It was probably the best therapy I’ve ever had. I’m closer to Lisa than my own sister and I never want to lose that.

The point is – I’m beyond lonely and I miss my best friends. They are my brother and sister and I don’t want the gap to widen any more than it already has. I know it’s my fault. It’s because of how I act with my depression when it gets bad. I’m so sorry and I love you both so much it physically hurts.

So when I asked you guys to keep an eye on me, I was also asking if we could go back to how things were. I miss you both. And I need you now and forever. I love you.

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Losing Loved Ones…

September 11, 2010 at 1:27 AM (Uncategorized)

About a month ago, I was all ready to write a little research article about a series of events that had completely broken my heart. But it all changed quickly when the same scenario hit close to home.

I was looking in the local obituaries in the newspaper because a guy I had gone to high school with was killed in an accident. While looking, I stumbled across an obituary of someone I knew. Greg. I worked with him at a foundry when I was in high school. My dad worked there too.  And in a weird twist of fate, my hubby Tom worked with him at another foundry.

Greg’s wife, Barb, was like my work mother. She always looked out for me. She even came to Tom and Greg’s work picnic at Knoebels Amusement Park after working third shift so her and I could catch up during the meal. Greg and Barb were married overy thirty years and had no children. After the plant Greg and Tom worked at closed their doors, Greg started feeling ill. After many trips to the doctor, he was finally diagnosed with cancer and after a battle of only a few months, he passed on.

Then the following week, I read the bad news about Scott on Facebook. My former coworker, Beth, is now a widow and we were headed to another funeral. Even though I had only met Scott a few times, I felt like I knew him. Beth and I shared a cubicle so we always talked about our relationships. Tom and I attended their wedding, which was beautiful, and my sister was their photographer.

Beth had returned to school to get her teaching degree and they moved to Virginia Beach. One day in November, Beth found Scott collapsed on the floor. He was taken to the hospital and never came home. He spent approximately 10 months in the hospital dealing with dialysis and infections. Finally Scott got a Staph infection and his body was so weak, he couldn’t even get a fever to help fight back. They had to make the decision to let him go. Beth and Scott were married only three years.

Tom and I had a really difficult time with Scott’s passing. Tom and Scott are both 34 years old. Beth and I are only a year apart. Beth and Scott met online, as did Tom and I. They were together five years and married for three years. Tom and I are together seven years and married two years. The parallels really hit close to home with us and reality smacked us in the face.

Now if you’re wondering where I’m going with this – you made it to the point! I had planned on writing a research article to see what people thought was worse – losing a spouse after only three years or after having thirty years together. Obviously there is no correct answer because they are both tragic occurances.

When you’re married for thirty plus years, you were able to fulfull plans and dreams together. But only three years – it seems like it’s not fair because there is just not enough time together. They both were terrible events and my heart still hurts for Barb and Beth.

I was all ready to begin writing this until Tom ended up in the hospital with blood clots in his legs again. All I could think about was Beth and Scott and I’ve never been so scared in my life. I feel like I’m counting down until the day I might lose my husband.

Next week we meet with the vascular surgeon. I’m sorry but a 3-5 percent death rate just isn’t ok with me. It’s an all day surgery. I went through this before with my dad when he had his heart valve replacement. They came out after about 9 hours and told us he was doing ok and they were stitching him up. Two hours later the doc comes out and tells us he had trouble restarting his heart and he thought he was going to lose him. I’m telling this doctor I want nothing but honesty from these nurses and him. I don’t want to feel relief that he’s ok only to be slammed with bad news.

And I’ll be honest. I’m so scared. Tom is my everything, he’s my whole life and I just don’t know what I’d do without him. We are actually planning on filling out a living will and sitting down and discussing funeral arrangements – just in case. We shouldn’t have to be doing this. I can’t let myself think about it or I break down. He’s my world and I can’t even begin to think about what I’d do without him. I think I’ll end up committed….

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How about a little music?

September 10, 2010 at 2:16 PM (Uncategorized)

I’ve noticed lately that I’m in a much better mood after an hour or more of loud music blasting into my brain…just thought I’d post a few of my favorites with lyrics that have special meaning to me.

Sister by The Nixons

Here I am again,
Overwhelming feelings
A thousand miles away
From your ocean home
Part of me is near

Thoughts of what we were invade
The miles that stand between
Can’t separate
You’re all I hoped you’d become

Sister, I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister, I miss you

Fleeting visits pass
Still they satisfy
Reminders of the next
Overshadow goodbye
Our flames burn as one

Sister, I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister, I miss you

All I am begins with you
Thoughts of hope understood
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true

Here we are again saying goodbye
Still we fall asleep underneath the same sky
You’re all I knew you’d become

Sister, I see you
Dancing on the stage
Of memory
Sister, I miss you

Intertwined, you and I
Our souls speak from across the miles
Intertwined, you and I
Our blood flows from the same inside
Half of me breathes in you
Thoughts of love remain true

I see you, I feel you
When I close my eyes
I see walking there…
I see you dancing in my mind

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It’s been a while…

September 10, 2010 at 1:11 AM (Uncategorized)

I haven’t written lately, obviously. The depression sent me into isolation mode again and it’s a hole I have a lot of trouble climbing out of. I promised myself I’d write a poem tonight so here is the untitled rough draft. Comments are always welcome!

I sit under the starry sky alone,
The wind gusts through my hair.
In my head I picture his gravestone,
He’s around me – he’s everywhere.

I close my eyes tightly,
And let the wind overtake my soul.
I see his shadow in my mind’s eye nightly,
I’d give anything to just see him whole.

I feel a warmth surround my shoulders,
As his energy envelopes my being.
My heart beats slowly as my fire smolders,
The sadness in my soul begins fleeing.

I feel his soft lips against my forehead,
As he gently strokes the length of my hair.
This bewitching visit from the dead,
My eyes closed – afraid to lose the affair.

And in what seems like only an instant,
His presence gone as quickly as he came.
I realize that no matter what I just can’t,
I can’t stop myself from feeling the blame.

– the end

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The Missing…

June 6, 2010 at 12:05 PM (Uncategorized)

Hearing about a local missing girl has made me decide to post on something that has interested me for the past few years. I have followed many missing persons cases. Many ending badly, some like that runaway bride that was just a waste of law enforcements time and quite a few where people just picked up and moved their lives somewhere else.

That’s the one that always intrigued me. How do you have the courage, resolution or whatever to just pick up and leave everything and leave everyone behind? Many men have done this, such as David Rockey, who left Oklahoma without a trace and seven years later was found in South Dakota living a completely new life. This man was married for 26 years and had 2 sons with his wife. He says he left because he was depressed and just decided not to tell anyone. I guess I just don’t understand the mentality it takes to do this.

Sure I’ve dreamed of just picking up and going as far away as I could with only a small amount of baggage, literally and figuratively. But who really does that? Who has the audacity to leave their spouse and children on a whim? I guess in a way I’ve experienced this… but at least I was left a note so I knew where and why he went. And when he came back, he was in a lot of trouble, could have considered himself single and did a lot of begging for a second chance. He got it. BUT what if he just went? What if I was left thinking something terrible happened to him and the police got involved. I mean what a waste of time, effort, heartache and resources. I find it all to be a pretty selfish act.

But back to those who are still missing. Those who were taken by someone and held against their will, those who were taken and murdered never to be found…we need to keep these people in our thoughts and prayers because they don’t deserve to be forgotten. These events sadden me most, especially when children are involved. I don’t know what is in a person’s mind that makes them think it’s ok to take another person and own them…sometimes for years. There have been so many horrific cases, such as Jaycee Dugard. Jaycee was kidnapped when she was 11 years old from South Lake Tahoe, California. She was held captive for 18 years by a sex offender. He fathered two children with her. She spent the time living in a shed in this man’s backyard. The man who did this had a WIFE who also knew, which also brings up that pack mentality thing, or mob mentality thing which I also can’t comprehend but that’s a whole other blog. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t drink the Kool-Aid. But Jaycee finally came home…alive!

Another group of missing people that really touches my heart are those with mental health issues. It seems that many of these people have schizophrenia, but other disorders are often cited. They stop taking their meds because they feel better and feel like they don’t need them anymore. Then one day, they disappear…and could be living anywhere. Please go to missing persons sites, these people need to be found, their families miss them. Many of them could be homeless in your town. Please go to websites such as the “National Center for Missing Adults” at http://www.theyaremissed.org, the “National Center for Missing and Exploited Children” at http://www.missingkids.com, and “America’s Most Wanted – Missing Persons” http://www.amw.com/missing_persons/. You could be the one to provide information to bring these people back to their families.

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MISSING PERSON

June 6, 2010 at 6:26 AM (Uncategorized) ()

I removed this post because the girl who was missing from my town has been found, alive and well. Hopefully her family situation will be adjusted so she is safe.

After reading about her safe return in the local newspaper, only then did I find out that there are two other local residents that went missing in the past few months. Since these men don’t seem to be getting much attention, I am going to post their story here. I will look for photos of them as they were not provided by the local newspaper which is where I am getting my information from. Seriously people, you can’t find a missing person if you don’t know what they look like right? Let’s get on the ball here and post their photos!

Since there isn’t a lot of information out there on these two men, I will be almost giving the info pretty much verbatim from the newspaper…plagiarism for a good cause! The first missing man is Michael Hossler. He’s 27 years old and from Pottsville. He was reported missing Saturday morning after attending a World War II re-enactment along Route 183 at Reading Airport in Berks County. Michael is 6 feet tall and about 370 pounds. His hair is dark brown and he wears eyeglasses. He was last seen wearing a World War II military uniform.

The second man who was missing has since been found alive so I removed his information for privacy reasons.

Let’s find this man people, and bring him home to his family!!

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Surgery next week…ugh I’m scared

June 4, 2010 at 12:59 PM (Uncategorized) ()

So I’ve been quiet lately. I haven’t been feeling well. I’ve been spending a lot of time on the couch trying to sleep the pain away. I have been getting severe pain on my left side and some bleeding issues. I’ll leave it at that to spare the boys (How about those Lakers Jon?). I thought it was ANOTHER kidney stone but I was told by my Urologist about a month ago that he thought my problem was a female issue so I went to the gynocologist on Tuesday. I told Dr. Frank my symtoms and before he even went spelunking, he told me I was going to be having surgery next Friday. He did this same surgery on me two years ago and seemed to know it was the same problem all over again. He did the exam and said, yep surgery Friday. I’ll be having a Diagnostic Hysteroscopy, D&C, Laser Pelviscopy and something else that isn’t on the paper but the surgery center said was also going to be done.

When I had it done two years ago, Tom was in the hospital with pulmonary embolisms and had almost died so I don’t remember much about it other than having it done, hurting like crazy and him calling me at 7 am to see when I was coming to see him. And I had a complication with the gas they use to inflate the uterus. Somehow it made it’s way to my shoulder and it hurt for over a week. You’d think no big deal but it was my right shoulder and I sleep on my right side and I couldn’t even lay on it. So I’m hoping to not have that happen again this time.

I don’t really even know what all the fancy terms mean for the surgery. What I do know is they are removing cysts from my ovaries, cleaning up the endometriosis mess and checking for other problems. He suggested burning my uterus and taking my tubes out. That would mean no more period (sweet!) but it also means no kids. I’m not sure I’ll ever have one but I’m not ready for it to be that final yet. So we decided when I have to have this done again, because the Dr. says I will…maybe we’ll do it then.

I’m a little scared. A little nervous. Tom is working all weekend so I’ll pretty much be taking care of myself. Mom and Dad will be around but I’m not counting on them to take care of me or anything. My mom is taking me for the procedure, I told Tom he better at least call to make sure I didn’t die. They said it’ll be about 4 hours and I’ll be scheduled for late morning, early afternoon. I won’t find out what time till Wednesday.

I wish it was today and overwith. One more week to wait. One more week to hurt… ugh.

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Whatchu Talkin’ ‘Bout?

May 28, 2010 at 6:08 PM (Uncategorized)

Sad news today folks. Gary Coleman of 1970’s sitcom “Diff’rent Strokes” fame passed away today. He was only 42 years old. Best known as his character Arnold Jackson, Coleman was ranked #1 in VH1’s list of the “100 Greatest Kid Stars.” Coleman died as a result of injuries he suffered earlier this week. He fell and hurt his head while he was at his residence in Utah. After suffering an intracranial hemorrhage, his wife decided to end life support which Coleman had been on since Thursday.

Dana Plato, who portrayed Kimberly Drummond, died in 1999, leaving only one child star from the hit sitcom left. Todd Bridges played brother Willis Jackson to Arnold and Kimberly in the mixed family.

I’d like to take a moment here and quote a friend of mine who wrote regarding Todd Bridges which applies to so many child actors and it’s information that the general public is not aware of. Jon wrote:

“If you’ve never heard of Todd Bridges, he was a child actor best known for his role as Willis on a television series called “Diff’rent Strokes” in the late 1970’s and 1980’s. Three weeks ago, Todd’s book, “Killing Willis,” brought to the forefront a revealing look at the plight of the child actor. Last week, Todd was interviewed by Oprah, where he spoke of what would one day lead to his own instability.

In the interview and in his book, Todd revealed that he had been sexually molested by a man whom he referred to as “Donald.” He describes Donald as someone who worked in an undisclosed position in the industry and had gained the trust of both Todd, and his parents, before the molestation began.

Lynette Holloway, of bvonbooks.com, describes how Todd “Writes in graphic detail about how he grappled with his sexuality after his publicist sodomized him for the first time in a Cadillac on the way back from an autograph signing shortly after he turned 12. It was Bridges’s first sexual encounter, which confused him because it was with a man whom he viewed as a father figure. But it was a classic case of a sexual predator grooming his prey. The publicist, Bridges writes, bought him a $300 bike and told him he could rely on him for his every need. And Bridges did. He became such an integral part of Bridges’s career that he was afraid to tell anyone about the molestation out of fear of losing everything, especially since the man said, “Remember, Todd, this our secret, right?’

Though Todd’s mother defended him against their once “trusted” friend, his father found it hard to believe. Todd said that this “destroyed” him. He noted that his father was supposed to be his “protector,” saying, “He didn’t protect me. He allowed this man to do this to me and didn’t help me.”

Todd credits the abuse for a number of deeper psychological problems, including sexual tension and confusion that resulted in difficulty maintaining lasting relationships with girlfriends and addiction as a means of self-medicating to cope with his confusion.

Todd is only one of a number of “Donald’s” victims, and only one piece to a much larger puzzle. People like Donald enjoy the control they gain when they’re manipulating their victims, yet they aren’t going to openly come out and admit what they did. With someone like “Donald”, you have to read between the lines. Watch for the signs. People like this form alliances with the easily manipulated. Finally, after all this time, the pieces are starting to fit.”

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